Love & Marriage: 6 Tips to make Your Marriage Rock!

My mom recently gave a presentation at a church meeting about marriage and how to make it better. She's been married for 37 years so I think she knows what she's talking about! Here's what she had to say:

I put together just a few pieces of advice that I think would help any marriage be better. I’ve illustrated them with stories; most are true, and they all get the point across.

1. Try to be a cheerful person.

A wise rabbi said, “Receive all people with a cheerful expression.”

How does a man feel with a woman who continuously looks angry or sad or irritated or frustrated? The fact that you might be feeling unhappy does not entitle you to inflict your bad mood on others.

It’s true that you can’t always control what you are feeling, but you can always control how you express yourself. You would prefer to be greeted by someone in a cheerful, pleasant manner, wouldn’t you? So would your husband.

2. Treat him at least as kindly as you do your best friend.

A Middle Eastern proverb says, “A friend is one to whom you may pour out all the contents of your heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take it and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”

Mary Kay Ash has this advice for her sales force: “Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says, “Make me feel important.” Not only will you succeed in sales, you will succeed in life.”

And it should be easy for us as Latter-day Saints, to see the importance of each person, since we know of their eternal worth. We know that each individual is loved of God, with the potential to become like Him.

C.S. Lewis said, “There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations – these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit.”

3. Accept the differences between you, even if you cannot understand them.

Women are not always right, even though Women’s Lib has tried to make everyone think so. Some differences are in the personality, but many are just because he is male. For instance, here are a few “Great Reasons to be a Guy”:

• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
• You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, “He must be mad at me.”
• You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.
• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with “So, notice anything different?”

And then there’s Nancy’s story. She says, “When we announced our engagement, we set our wedding date for 17 months later so that we’d be better off financially. Four weeks later, my husband-to-be gave me 16 roses, one for each of the months left.

“How wonderful,” I gushed. “Next month I’ll get 15.”

“No”, he replied. Each month you throw one of these away.”

Sometimes books are helpful. I found this handy manual, “What Men Know About Women – The Complete Book of Knowledge”. (The pages are all blank)

4. Don’t nag or try to control him.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly he burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said. “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! You’re cooking too many at once! TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. They’re going to stick!

“Careful! Careful! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy! Have you lost your mind?

Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

5. Forgive him for all the times he has offended you, because he probably didn’t mean to.

A young wife in labor with the couple’s first baby was deeply offended when her husband urged her to hurry up because there was a football game he wanted to watch. She never told him how his remark had hurt her until ten years later when they found themselves in a marriage counselor’s office. She had built up between them over the years a wall of his offenses, with that remark as a cornerstone. Now she finally confronted him with it, telling him how hurt she had been. He was genuinely surprised, since he barely remembered the incident. He sincerely apologized, having matured enough over the years to recognize how insensitive he had been. But it was too late. She would not forgive him for that offence, along with many others. They later divorced.

When we refuse to forgive, we allow hurt feelings to fester inside us, like tooth decay. Some prompt attention at the time would have saved an erosion of the love once shared.

Men are truly clueless sometimes when it comes to knowing what to say or not say. Kathy tells of this incident:

“My husband knows the pitfalls of trying to communicate with the opposite sex – especially me. For instance, I recently tried on a pair of pants and needed a second opinion about how they looked. “Do I look too fat in these pants?” I asked.

“No,” he said, pausing, obviously worried about his response. “You look … just fat enough.”

6. Keep excitement in your marriage.

A couple whose passion had waned consulted a marriage counselor. Several appointments later, frustrated the couple had made little success, the therapist suddenly swept the woman into his arms and kissed her.

“You see,” the counselor said to the husband. “This is the treatment your wife needs – Monday, Thursday and Saturday, at least.”

“Well,” replied the husband. I can bring her in here on Thursday and Saturday, but Monday is my bowling night.”

So don’t become like the two old frogs in the following true story submitted to a national magazine by a woman named KathyJo.

“What is that sound?” a woman visiting our nature center asked.

“It’s the frogs, trilling for a mate,” Patti, the naturalist explained. “We have a pair in the science room. But since they’ve been together so long, they no longer sing to each other.”

The woman nodded sympathetically. “The trill is gone.”

Finally, keep a childlike wonder about love, like these youngsters who gave their definitions of love:

• Chris, age 7, says, “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.”
• Karen, age 7, says, “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”
• 5 year old Elaine – “Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”
• And this from 6 year old Tommy – “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”
• Finally, Jessica, age 8, reminds us, “You really shouldn’t say I love you unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”

Don’t forget to make the most important people in your life FEEL like they are.