Letter from a Baby

"I think there should be indecency laws about that, because I don’t want to see it in a public place." This was one of several expressions of disgust made by Lisa Rollins on a recent radio broadcast. Apparently, Lisa feels the natural act of a mother feeding a baby is inappropriate, indecent, and gross.

“I don’t see anything wrong with going into a restroom if you don’t see a specific nursing area and sitting on the toilet seat.” Seriously? A toilet seat!? Lisa continued to say that a woman should sit in her car (even in 100 degree weather) to feed a baby. Or just stay at home, for cryin' out loud! Because all nursing mothers know that staying in the house 24 hours a day does wonders for your sanity. Whatever you do, never let another human being see that you are actually feeding a baby.

Anyway, here's the letter I wrote in response:

Dear Radio Station,

I am a baby who breastfeeds. It's great! Perfect food any time I need it, provided by Mother Nature. I do have a complaint, however. The other day my mommy actually took me into a restaurant and started feeding me in there. Seriously!? Do you know how disgusting it is to see grown ups eat? The slurping and the teeth thrashing and the biting. Repulsive! I almost lost my appetite.

I'm starting a coalition of babies to ban adults from eating in public. It is a grotesque show. There should be laws against that kind of indecent behavior. Have you adults no shame? You can eat in the privacy of your own homes, or in your hot cars. If that's not possible, for heaven's sakes, take your dinner plate into the bathroom. I don't see why anyone couldn't just sit on the toilet seat to eat their spaghetti and green salad.

Sincerely,

A Baby

Now that I think about it, why stop at humans? I grew up in the country, and constantly saw disgusting little animals eating right from their mother's teets! Atrocious! A baby cow, just out there, in the wide open - EATING! Let's put an end to lactating all together. Just make it straight up illegal:

Mammal lactation outlawed!  Mothers of all species forced to find alternate food source for their babies.

Yup, that's the ticket. I'll get started right awa